Living Inside My Head

If you know someone who has a girlfriend and if you're planning to flirt with the man, I'm gonna have to ask you to read this post until the end. This will be short. Whenever I'm outside, in a classroom, or in a cafe, I have heard conversations about a girl crushing on a guy who already have a girlfriend, and what I heard we're pretty bad. Their plans would either be: wait til they break up (adding "walang forever" / "there's no forever") flirt steal the guy herself Why? Why do you have to go through all that process on stealing someone's love? Why do you have to be selfish? Do you think about the consequences? Have you ever thought that you will ruin someone's view about love? How can you live thinking that you got what you want, but there is someone out there crying at night thinking why they WEREN'T ENOUGH. If it sounds as if I've been through that kind of pain... then yes, I have, and I still am going through ...

(Note: I've met people who've done this. And I can't keep silent about it anymore) Why? Why do you do it? Why do you have to pretend that you are depressed so people can turn their attention to you, too? Why do you use it as an excuse? Why? "I'm depressed because my friends cancelled out on me" "I'm depressed because my boyfriend hangs out with his friends more than me" "I'm depressed because my friends are busy and i have no one to talk to" ... Not quite. There are people out there who needs to be listened to. There are people out there who needs serious help. Let me tell you the difference between sadness and depression. You see, sadness is a human emotion that is normal for all of us. Everyone experiences it. People feel sad if there are disappointing, hurtful, or difficult experiences that come along. Which simply means that we feel sad for a reason. Once we move on from a hurtful situation, our sadness disappears. ...

If you have been crying in your room all night wishing to end everything, If you have been waking up thinking if you can make it through today, If your thoughts are louder than the sound of your friends pounding and endlessly knocking on your door begging you to open up, If you have ever faked your smiles and your "i'm okay's" so you don't end up crying while telling someone how you really feel, If you have ever felt like a burden to anyone that you think the best way is to disappear, and If you've ever felt too much that you need to feel something burning on your skin to remind you that you are alive, you are not alone. I thought I was going to be okay. I was healing. I was meeting with my psychiatrist once every month. I buy my medicines every week and take them regularly and on time. I was on track. I was going to be okay. Or so I thought. My family does not understand "depression" and "anxiety". They don't understand w...

If I am not her, the person who you want to be happy with, All I ask is for you to Send her a good morning text the second you wake up, you'll complete her day the second she reads it. Remind her that she's beautiful, and she'll smile every time you tell her, and maybe you'd look at her... the way I look at you. If I am not her, the person who you want to give your time to, If you're busy, don't forget to check up on her. Don't send her one word replies, let her know that you want to talk to her. Ask her if everything's alright. Tell her you'll be back soon. Always make her feel that she's not alone because I know she'd want to talk to you a lot, like I'd love to talk to you. If I am not her, the person you last think of before you fall asleep, Always send her a goodnight text, and don't forget your "I love you's". She'll sleep easier knowing she's just the one for you... Like I used to sleep, almo...

January 10, 2017 How old would you have been by now? I lost count. How long has it been? Seven years. In those seven years, I have graduated from high school, and now I'm in college. Ma! I passed UP! I hope you're happy for me-- Mama. Mama. Mama. I miss calling you mama. I miss the feeling of wanting to go home, because I know you'll be waiting for me there, along with papa. Maybe... maybe  I'd be more excited with the idea of going home, when I know that you'll be there waiting. When I eat my meals outside, I often see moms holding their child softly in their arms, and I would often hope that the baby will treat their mom with love and care... like I would have with you if I'll be given one more day, just one more day to be with you. Recently, we visited your mom (grandma) and your sisters (aunts) and one of them looks like you. Is it bad that I thought it was you? That you were actually there this whole time and this was all a surprise? That you we...

It's almost 2am and my mind is filled with reasons why I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep ... because when you've said your last "goodnight" for today, I wondered if you'll ever need me for the next couple of hours. What if you couldn't sleep, or have been woken up from a nightmare, and I wouldn't be there to tell you that everything's going to be alright? Tell me what's bothering you at 3am and I will talk to you until you fall asleep. And by then I'll bid you Goodnight. I couldn't sleep ... because when I look at the ceiling, I'd wish that by the time I look beside me, I can see you, and not this pillow missing the warmth of your skin. And maybe by then we wouldn't need to have our phone in our hands, because I would intertwine your fingers with mine, and they'd fit perfectly, almost as if it's meant to be. And we'll look at each other's eyes Not on our phones Because we wouldn't have ...

"Don't say anything when you are mad or you'll regret it later." Maybe I will regret posting this, maybe I won't, but I would like to give you my two cents about mental illnesses and why it is F------ IMPORTANT. I have stopped myself a lot of times from posting an article like this because I know some people still won't understand it, and maybe they never will, and maybe they will judge me, but I don't care. I am sick of keeping this all in. For starters, I am diagnosed with DEPRESSION and ANXIETY. I go to the psychiatrist every month for my appointment. I have been doing this for a year now and I am still not healed because recently, I stopped my medications (I decided it for myself) because I thought that I didn't need it anymore and my family was complaining about the expenses anyway... (and they don't understand my illness as well). Everyday, I am struggling to get up in the morning. "Is it worth it?" "Should I even liv...

Don't fall for me. I can be jealous and selfish. I get jealous, really jealous if you talk to another girl. Yes, I could be selfish... But what's so wrong with the fear of losing you? The idea that maybe someone will make you happier that I ever can is unimaginable. And every time I see the girl that you've texted, my vision gets a little darker... in a way that the sky turns grey because the rain will take its toll. Don't fall for me. My self-esteem is as small as an ant. I wake up, look at the mirror and I don't like what I see. I get jealous because some girls can just be gorgeous without even trying, and that is why I can be a little overprotective. There are a lot of girls out there that's way better and I think of myself as a replaceable person... too easy to let go of. Don't fall for me. I am clingy. I will get offended if you don't reply to my I love you 's. I will throw a fit if you don't want me to spend the night with y...

People come and go. You look up and see them flocking but you won't be able to follow them with your eyes forever. At some point in life, someone comes along. Think about that one friend you have. Are you happy to have met him/her? Are you happy about  where you were when you met? Here I am thinking about my life choices, and I don't regret them one bit. I look at these people I get to see and talk to everyday, then my mind would wander back to the time when we first met and had our first conversation, never realizing it was the start of something that would be with me longer than I anticipated. I get saddened by the thought that one day, I'd wake up and realize that they're gone. Graduation is near for them while I am still four years away. There is more to the line " Why do birds suddenly appear? " I remember going to the rooftop of my past high school building and I recall following a fleeting airplane with my unmoving gaze. I stared at it long en...

Heyaaa! I decided to make a facebook page for this blog made specifically for you guys! I just thought that this will help me get to know my readers more and I hope you can support this page all the way with me! Thank you for staying with me eventhough I don't post much. x_x ~Link to page~

Understand that it took me a lot of courage to get up this morning. People would mistake me for a slacker. Someone who's always late for class, or someone that has an invalid reason to be absent. But please hear me out. Every morning is a constant battle between me and my brain.  "Why get up?" "Stay in bed. Better than being in class that you'll most probably fail." "You're invisible to everyone, what's the point?" "Nobody will notice that you're gone." Please understand that these thoughts are ghosts that haunt me every time. I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS. Believe me, I want these thoughts to stop. Understand that this is not something to be joked about. I don't want you to know... but maybe I do.   It's hard to keep it all in. I don't want too much people knowing what I'm battling with, I don't want them to think that I'm just searching for attention... (admit it, most people see everyone with ...

I should be on my bed, staring at the ceiling, rethinking about my worth. My previous friends couldn't care less if I'm gone, and it seems as if I only bring stress to my family... then why am I here? Sometimes, I wish I could just yell and tell everyone to shut up and listen to me. But no, I am scared. Scared that no one will listen, scared that my opinion wouldn't matter, scared that my voice is just some dust in the wind. Life is just a series of doors that we get to dive in, head first. Every door gives you another path to choose, and so far I have chosen to be a coward. Along the way, I've met people who listened and reminded me that it's not a danger to go for other norms. It's okay to step up and be the speaker. That it's okay to voice out, to be heard, to be loud. I've been walking alone, head down, and silent. But I decided to go the other way. Chest up, smile. I would always remind myself. I am ready. Now, why did the chicken cross th...

Have you ever met someone and thought to yourself: " This guy/girl will ruin my life " ? I mean, come on. You see them online on Facebook and you're just gonna stare at their name on the chat box and heave out a sigh, hoping they'll  start a conversation with you... but then again, if you're brave enough, send out a "hi!" ... although the risks are scary. What if they ignore you? Or worse... seen . I'm not saying that you shouldn't start a conversation with someone you like, I'm just sharing what I think about if that would really happen to me. Infatuation is EVIL. IT WON'T LET YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT AND IT WILL POUND YOUR HEART TO BITS IF YOU SEE YOUR CRUSH TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE. Just kidding . But of course, there are "The Lucky Ones". They're the ones that gets to hang out with the ones they like. The ones who can make memories with their crushes which will lead to closure and hey, they might develop a crush on you, t...

This blog has been mostly about positive outlooks in life and the future, but allow me to give you a little gray cloud on a sunny day. For the past few weeks, my family has been asking me about my depression. They'd ask how can I still not get over my parent's death ( read about it   here ). How can I if that triggered my depression on? I know they're worried, they told me that they give me the things I need... but then I thought... I don't need material things, I just need them to understand. When they inquire me what's really happening inside my nutshell, I'd just look down and tell them that it's not easy to define, and I told them that I'll just express all of it to my psychiatrist. But today, I decided to write all about it. I know that the negativity of this post isn’t decent, but at least hear me out. 3 years ago, a year after my mom died, I understood my father’s constant drinking of alcoholic beverages, and I also understood all his s...

(c) Tumblr I sometimes wish that every time we get hurt emotionally, bruises will just start appearing. it’s far better than getting something sharp and cut ourselves. Just plain bruises for every stress, anxiety, and hopelessness. Hiding how hurt we are every single day can be really tiring too, and I wouldn't wish for this if people would actually dig deeper and ask us if we’re really okay. Some would wait until they see the cuts we made before they ask what’s wrong.

I pretty much relate to this song so much. I have tried to prove to my family that I can manage things on my own (Distant yelling from society: "WELL TRY HARDER!") I have and I am still not giving up. I do not party nor drink at all. HONESTLY. Ask everyone that knows me...and yet there are people out there that don't trust me. People who have described me as someone who doesn't know anything. Someone who isn't responsible and doesn't have what it takes to survive alone. Well you know what? Here I am, almost finishing my first year in college and my limbs are still intact. Everyday, I would worry about what time should I be back without the landlord nagging me. My family is quite strict about my safety that is why I am scared to do...pretty much everything. Will they approve of this? Will they be okay with me doing this and that? They'll probably get mad at me for doing such. I shouldnt.. I wouldnt.. I pretty much COULDN'T. I am not compla...

We all have different experiences, different lifestyles, different lives... and we may not know it, but sometimes, the only question we'd only wanna hear from people is: "How are you?" "I'm fine." "I'm good." "Everything's alright." "Nothing much really." "nm" "fine" SAME OLD. SAME OLD. Why can't I hear these answers? "My dog died...He was a gift from my dad and ... " "My favourite band's gonna have a concert near our place and my parents wouldnt mind me spectating!" "I got fired from my job ..." "I'm going to have a new cousin!" They sound better, don't they? It would be nice to know that someone actually listens. That someone actually cares. Not like: "Ahh.." (silence) "Aww, that's terrible!" (silence) "Good for you" (silence) "Good to hear" (silence) (silence) *laughs* (s...

"You can only have a boyfriend once you graduate college," my grandma would remind me. I have always wondered how it would feel like to have someone you love with you every single day, knowing that he is yours and you are his. Sharing the same love song, forehead kisses, love letters, goodnight texts or calls, waking up to his good morning's... they sound good, dont they? I think they do. I admit, hearing songs like "Just The Girl" by Click 5 cheers me up. I have always wondered if someone will dedicate that song to me, I wondered how I would feel, I wondered if I can contain myself if that ever happens.I made a promise to myself that if I'll ever meet a guy who loves that song and sings it with me, he's the one. ( I never told this promise to anybody 'til now) I have met him. But what am I suppose to do but make him wait? Three more years, I would remind him. Have I met him too early? Too quick? No. I've met him at the right ...

(credits to the owner of the picture) What is about marriage that seems important among humans? amongst lovers? Is it the red string of faith that has been connecting us all along? Is it the ring that we put on our fingers to tell everyone that you already have someone dear to you? But then again, who am I, a 17-year-old girl to talk about marriage? Walking down isle, looking up to see  the man of your dreams waiting for you, holding out his hands so you can grab unto him, and never let go. Your parents, and his, already gave their blessings, and now it's their time to let go, trusting the man that they will take care of their little girl. But mine will be different. It wont be my parents, smiling with tears on their faces, it would be my aunts and uncles who had been my new parents ever since a terrible fate happened. But then again, I wouldnt mind. I'd walk witth the prettiest dress I've seen, fitting my body perfectly, and the dress flowing like the tides. I wo...

Can't shake this feeling off of me. I'm sorry but I won't be able to blog about anything tonight but I promise I'll be posting something tomorrow. Have a nice day~! ^_^