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What I Need You to Understand

Understand that it took me a lot of courage to get up this morning.

People would mistake me for a slacker. Someone who's always late for class, or someone that has an invalid reason to be absent. But please hear me out.

Every morning is a constant battle between me and my brain. 

"Why get up?"
"Stay in bed. Better than being in class that you'll most probably fail."
"You're invisible to everyone, what's the point?"
"Nobody will notice that you're gone."

Please understand that these thoughts are ghosts that haunt me every time. I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS. Believe me, I want these thoughts to stop.

Understand that this is not something to be joked about. I don't want you to know... but maybe I do.
 It's hard to keep it all in. I don't want too much people knowing what I'm battling with, I don't want them to think that I'm just searching for attention... (admit it, most people see everyone with mental illness as someone dying for consideration) but then again... sometimes, I want some people to know... and hope that maybe they will help me heal. I just really need someone to hear me out... because these thoughts are too loud... and keeping them to myself everyday is excruciating. (But thank God I met people that are helping me BIGTIME with this illness. I can't thank you enough)

Understand that I am trying to stop this raunchy habit, I really am.
 In times of loneliness and silence, I'd turn to my "friend" people know as a blade. This friend of mine helps me every time I feel... empty.

'Cause the pain my friend brings cannot compare to the satisfaction that will soon be there. I always assure myself that I deserve all of these pain for the things I have done... It's worth the scars that never heal for just a moment not to feel anything at all.

But I made a promise to my friends that I will never go back to this habit of mine... No, not anymore... And I'm really proud to say my arm is three (3) months clean. 

And now...
For people who are in the same page as me, always know that I am proud of you. I am proud that you are still alive and breathing. Smile, be happy. WE MANAGED TO GET UP THIS MORNING. Please know that I am here to listen to you. Believe me, I want to be friends with everyone (you can contact me anytime on any of my social media accounts).

You can get through today. You can't give up now. You have made it this far.

Maybe it won't get easier anytime soon...

But one day, you'll know why you stayed.  



 

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