Skip to main content

If You Have Thoughts About Suicide (Like Me)

If you have been crying in your room all night wishing to end everything,
If you have been waking up thinking if you can make it through today,
If your thoughts are louder than the sound of your friends pounding and endlessly knocking on your door begging you to open up,
If you have ever faked your smiles and your "i'm okay's" so you don't end up crying while telling someone how you really feel,
If you have ever felt like a burden to anyone that you think the best way is to disappear,
and
If you've ever felt too much that you need to feel something burning on your skin to remind you that you are alive,

 you are not alone.

I thought I was going to be okay.

I was healing. I was meeting with my psychiatrist once every month. I buy my medicines every week and take them regularly and on time. I was on track. I was going to be okay.
Or so I thought.
My family does not understand "depression" and "anxiety". They don't understand what  it is. They don't understand why they are wasting money on sending me to a shrink.
My psychiatrist once talked to them about how I'm coping up. I thought everything's going to be okay. But no. They thought everything she said were just lies and she's doing nothing to make me feel better.
I was done listening to their complaints. I was done listening to their sarcastic remarks about my illness.

I stopped.

 I stopped going to the psychiatrist. I stopped taking my medications. For a while I thought I was okay, and stopping medications was probably a bad decision-- but I can't do anything if they don't want me to continue going to the psychiatrist anymore.

And now my thoughts are back, worse than ever.

Every night I have to tell myself that the sun will rise. That everything is going to be okay. I distract myself by being busy. I talk to friends and hangout with them. But at the end of the day, I will always be alone with my thoughts, and my own thoughts scare me sometimes because they can be the death of me.

So how am I still holding on?

I vent. I talk to my friends about  how I feel, and they help me out.

Surround yourself with people that knows how to listen.

Don't keep the pain. Let it out. Cry if you must.

Cliche, but... I am also holding on to the fact that everything's going to work out in the end.

Hold on.


We'll be okay.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Don't Take Love Away

If you know someone who has a girlfriend and if you're planning to flirt with the man, I'm gonna have to ask you to read this post until the end. This will be short. Whenever I'm outside, in a classroom, or in a cafe, I have heard conversations about a girl crushing on a guy who already have a girlfriend, and what I heard we're pretty bad. Their plans would either be: wait til they break up (adding "walang forever" / "there's no forever") flirt steal the guy herself Why? Why do you have to go through all that process on stealing someone's love? Why do you have to be selfish? Do you think about the consequences? Have you ever thought that you will ruin someone's view about love? How can you live thinking that you got what you want, but there is someone out there crying at night thinking why they WEREN'T ENOUGH. If it sounds as if I've been through that kind of pain... then yes, I have, and I still am going through ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Goodnight.

It's almost 2am and my mind is filled with reasons why I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep ... because when you've said your last "goodnight" for today, I wondered if you'll ever need me for the next couple of hours. What if you couldn't sleep, or have been woken up from a nightmare, and I wouldn't be there to tell you that everything's going to be alright? Tell me what's bothering you at 3am and I will talk to you until you fall asleep. And by then I'll bid you Goodnight. I couldn't sleep ... because when I look at the ceiling, I'd wish that by the time I look beside me, I can see you, and not this pillow missing the warmth of your skin. And maybe by then we wouldn't need to have our phone in our hands, because I would intertwine your fingers with mine, and they'd fit perfectly, almost as if it's meant to be. And we'll look at each other's eyes Not on our phones Because we wouldn't have ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Some Alone Time

This blog has been mostly about positive outlooks in life and the future, but allow me to give you a little gray cloud on a sunny day. For the past few weeks, my family has been asking me about my depression. They'd ask how can I still not get over my parent's death ( read about it   here ). How can I if that triggered my depression on? I know they're worried, they told me that they give me the things I need... but then I thought... I don't need material things, I just need them to understand. When they inquire me what's really happening inside my nutshell, I'd just look down and tell them that it's not easy to define, and I told them that I'll just express all of it to my psychiatrist. But today, I decided to write all about it. I know that the negativity of this post isn’t decent, but at least hear me out. 3 years ago, a year after my mom died, I understood my father’s constant drinking of alcoholic beverages, and I also understood all his s...
Post a Comment
Read more