Some Alone Time

This blog has been mostly about positive outlooks in life and the future, but allow me to give you a little gray cloud on a sunny day.

For the past few weeks, my family has been asking me about my depression. They'd ask how can I still not get over my parent's death (read about it here). How can I if that triggered my depression on? I know they're worried, they told me that they give me the things I need... but then I thought... I don't need material things, I just need them to understand.

When they inquire me what's really happening inside my nutshell, I'd just look down and tell them that it's not easy to define, and I told them that I'll just express all of it to my psychiatrist.

But today, I decided to write all about it. I know that the negativity of this post isn’t decent, but at least hear me out.

3 years ago, a year after my mom died, I understood my father’s constant drinking of alcoholic beverages, and I also understood all his sudden complaints about everything I do (imagine being nagged at just by drinking milk during lunch time!).  There were times when he’d call me out of the house to meet some family friends and when I do go out to meet them, he’d tell them all my failures and they’d gawk at me. There were other things, but it’s gonna be a long list… so long story short, I tried cutting myself. The pain felt as if it’s worth it, it felt as if I deserved all the pain I felt as I make another cut with the blade… but then, I want to thank my sister for stopping me.

I’ve also been socially awkward, and I still think I am. I’ve lost plenty of friends for my weird behaviour, which leads to me thinking that I’m just an annoyance… I look at my Facebook chat box and look at their names, thinking if I’ll ever get to talk to them again. But I lose hope and blame myself for being odd… so I stopped. I become that girl that just approaches people if they approach me first.

I’ve lost weight… A LOT. My family, especially my grandma won’t stop talking about it. Every time she sees me, she would point out how thin I am and how ugly I look. She told me I look like I’ve been barfed up by a fish. She’d ask “Where did your beauty go now?” I keep hearing the world “ugly” from her mouth that I lost my self-esteem.

Some nights I’d stay up and just cry out of nowhere, feeling nothing but being hopeless and empty. Feeling as if I could never do anything right… another reason why I feel bad when I try to cheer someone up and they won’t budge. I feel useless.

I'm not finished, and I'm not planning to. I didn't expect to write this much, but if you're still there and reading this line, then thank you. I appreciate your effort in reading this. But really, thank you.

All the negativity ends here. Upcoming posts will be uplifting, I promise. 

If you have any suggestions for a new topic, please don't hesitate to contact me. Just check the "Contact Me" tab and I'll be sure to check all my accounts out.  :)