Mental Illness Awareness

"Don't say anything when you are mad or you'll regret it later."

Maybe I will regret posting this, maybe I won't, but I would like to give you my two cents about mental illnesses and why it is F------ IMPORTANT.
I have stopped myself a lot of times from posting an article like this because I know some people still won't understand it, and maybe they never will, and maybe they will judge me, but I don't care. I am sick of keeping this all in.

For starters, I am diagnosed with DEPRESSION and ANXIETY. I go to the psychiatrist every month for my appointment. I have been doing this for a year now and I am still not healed because recently, I stopped my medications (I decided it for myself) because I thought that I didn't need it anymore and my family was complaining about the expenses anyway... (and they don't understand my illness as well).

Everyday, I am struggling to get up in the morning.
"Is it worth it?"
"Should I even live today?"
"What's there left to live for?"

And every night before I sleep, I would tell myself:
"Hey, you did it. You made it! You lived today. Please do the same tomorrow."

I am guilty, and I will admit that I did not understand suicide before. I even posted an article here about why you shouldn't commit suicide without knowing how it feels like to even think about it (You can read it here). Everyone is going through a lot of different things, we all do, and I understand how it feels like to push yourself to live even if you want to give up.

Before, I got scared of healing. I thought that I only have friends now because they know I need someone, and that I am depressed so they shouldn't leave me YET. But at the end of the day, they convinced me that it's not like that at all. They are there for me not because of my condition, but because they are there for me, because they are my friends and they won't leave even if I'm healed.

That's what the brain does to people. Torture them. I call these kinds of thoughts as my demons. Always telling me that I am not good enough, that I shouldn't even try, that I am a failure and everyone will leave me in the end. I am not worthy of any love and I should just get hit by a truck and die, because that's easier, right? Once you're dead, you won't go through these demons in your head.

When I realized I was really depressed and that I need help, I contacted my sister. They still had classes by that time so I was alone with my family. I told her everything, she understood. She called our family but they did not believe us. They even got mad at me because they said it's my fault for thinking these things that's making me depressed.
They said: How can you be depressed? You have everything you need!

No. It's not like that at all. Saying that is also like: How can you have asthma? LOOK AT ALL THIS AIR!

At the end of the day, I told my sister that she should just give up telling them that I should go to the psychiatrist...  because at the back of my head, I knew it will all end soon for me.

But she was persistent until the family finally agreed...

And it was confirmed that I am indeed mentally ill.


SO PLEASE, DON'T EVEN MENTION THAT SUICIDE IS JUST FOR ATTENTION. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE A BRAIN THAT WANTS TO DIE BUT A BODY THAT IS STRUGGLING TO SURVIVE.

IF ANYONE ASKS FOR HELP, PLEASE, JUST PLEASE LISTEN TO THEM. THEY NEED YOU. THEY MUSTERED ALL THEIR ENERGY JUST TO ASK YOU FOR HELP BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY CAN'T SURVIVE THESE THOUGHTS ALONE.

PLEASE, SAVE THEM.