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Suffocating

All my life, everyone has been watching over me. Yeah, it's a good thing...but watching over me in a way where all my whereabouts will be mentioned to my family, or whatever time I'd arrive home, or where I had been the whole day? That's just too much.

It's my first year in college already, I am 16 years old. Before I came here in the city to study in the university I wanted to go to, my family expected that I'd call them, crying, because I can't handle being alone. They would tell my landlady that I don't know anything, and I just sat there, silent.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, and yet I never called them crying that I wanna go home. There is no place like home, yes, but for someone who felt like your every move was being checked, it felt fine to be away for a while, but of course, that feeling of being away from the city and wanting to go back to our province comes out often.

Although being here in the boarding house didn't give me 100% freedom. The landlady knows my family's number and one wrong move, I am dead. 

I've read post about breaking free, about forgetting what people will do, or making your life the way you want it to be. It is inspiring, yes, but sometimes, it's just too hard. There might be some people who has it worse than me, and I can't imagine what they must be feeling right now, and I hope we can get through this...together.

Maybe all I am hoping for right now is strength for me to stand up for myself sometimes. Stand up in a way that I have a point and the people would realize it. Stand up where they're gonna have to agree with me because I am right... And stand up where I'm not being arrogant and disrespectful to the way that they watch over me.

Now all I need is to prove it to them. I have proven that I can live in the city without being in trouble, and all I am hoping for now is for them to allow me to breathe my own air, take the wheel of my own ship and drive it the way I want to, and for them to trust me because I myself know that I can do this, and I hope they'll believe in me, too.

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