Living Inside My Head

If you have been crying in your room all night wishing to end everything, If you have been waking up thinking if you can make it through today, If your thoughts are louder than the sound of your friends pounding and endlessly knocking on your door begging you to open up, If you have ever faked your smiles and your "i'm okay's" so you don't end up crying while telling someone how you really feel, If you have ever felt like a burden to anyone that you think the best way is to disappear, and If you've ever felt too much that you need to feel something burning on your skin to remind you that you are alive, you are not alone. I thought I was going to be okay. I was healing. I was meeting with my psychiatrist once every month. I buy my medicines every week and take them regularly and on time. I was on track. I was going to be okay. Or so I thought. My family does not understand "depression" and "anxiety". They don't understand w...

If I am not her, the person who you want to be happy with, All I ask is for you to Send her a good morning text the second you wake up, you'll complete her day the second she reads it. Remind her that she's beautiful, and she'll smile every time you tell her, and maybe you'd look at her... the way I look at you. If I am not her, the person who you want to give your time to, If you're busy, don't forget to check up on her. Don't send her one word replies, let her know that you want to talk to her. Ask her if everything's alright. Tell her you'll be back soon. Always make her feel that she's not alone because I know she'd want to talk to you a lot, like I'd love to talk to you. If I am not her, the person you last think of before you fall asleep, Always send her a goodnight text, and don't forget your "I love you's". She'll sleep easier knowing she's just the one for you... Like I used to sleep, almo...

January 10, 2017 How old would you have been by now? I lost count. How long has it been? Seven years. In those seven years, I have graduated from high school, and now I'm in college. Ma! I passed UP! I hope you're happy for me-- Mama. Mama. Mama. I miss calling you mama. I miss the feeling of wanting to go home, because I know you'll be waiting for me there, along with papa. Maybe... maybe  I'd be more excited with the idea of going home, when I know that you'll be there waiting. When I eat my meals outside, I often see moms holding their child softly in their arms, and I would often hope that the baby will treat their mom with love and care... like I would have with you if I'll be given one more day, just one more day to be with you. Recently, we visited your mom (grandma) and your sisters (aunts) and one of them looks like you. Is it bad that I thought it was you? That you were actually there this whole time and this was all a surprise? That you we...

It's almost 2am and my mind is filled with reasons why I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep ... because when you've said your last "goodnight" for today, I wondered if you'll ever need me for the next couple of hours. What if you couldn't sleep, or have been woken up from a nightmare, and I wouldn't be there to tell you that everything's going to be alright? Tell me what's bothering you at 3am and I will talk to you until you fall asleep. And by then I'll bid you Goodnight. I couldn't sleep ... because when I look at the ceiling, I'd wish that by the time I look beside me, I can see you, and not this pillow missing the warmth of your skin. And maybe by then we wouldn't need to have our phone in our hands, because I would intertwine your fingers with mine, and they'd fit perfectly, almost as if it's meant to be. And we'll look at each other's eyes Not on our phones Because we wouldn't have ...

"Don't say anything when you are mad or you'll regret it later." Maybe I will regret posting this, maybe I won't, but I would like to give you my two cents about mental illnesses and why it is F------ IMPORTANT. I have stopped myself a lot of times from posting an article like this because I know some people still won't understand it, and maybe they never will, and maybe they will judge me, but I don't care. I am sick of keeping this all in. For starters, I am diagnosed with DEPRESSION and ANXIETY. I go to the psychiatrist every month for my appointment. I have been doing this for a year now and I am still not healed because recently, I stopped my medications (I decided it for myself) because I thought that I didn't need it anymore and my family was complaining about the expenses anyway... (and they don't understand my illness as well). Everyday, I am struggling to get up in the morning. "Is it worth it?" "Should I even liv...

Don't fall for me. I can be jealous and selfish. I get jealous, really jealous if you talk to another girl. Yes, I could be selfish... But what's so wrong with the fear of losing you? The idea that maybe someone will make you happier that I ever can is unimaginable. And every time I see the girl that you've texted, my vision gets a little darker... in a way that the sky turns grey because the rain will take its toll. Don't fall for me. My self-esteem is as small as an ant. I wake up, look at the mirror and I don't like what I see. I get jealous because some girls can just be gorgeous without even trying, and that is why I can be a little overprotective. There are a lot of girls out there that's way better and I think of myself as a replaceable person... too easy to let go of. Don't fall for me. I am clingy. I will get offended if you don't reply to my I love you 's. I will throw a fit if you don't want me to spend the night with y...

People come and go. You look up and see them flocking but you won't be able to follow them with your eyes forever. At some point in life, someone comes along. Think about that one friend you have. Are you happy to have met him/her? Are you happy about  where you were when you met? Here I am thinking about my life choices, and I don't regret them one bit. I look at these people I get to see and talk to everyday, then my mind would wander back to the time when we first met and had our first conversation, never realizing it was the start of something that would be with me longer than I anticipated. I get saddened by the thought that one day, I'd wake up and realize that they're gone. Graduation is near for them while I am still four years away. There is more to the line " Why do birds suddenly appear? " I remember going to the rooftop of my past high school building and I recall following a fleeting airplane with my unmoving gaze. I stared at it long en...