Skip to main content

Suffocating

All my life, everyone has been watching over me. Yeah, it's a good thing...but watching over me in a way where all my whereabouts will be mentioned to my family, or whatever time I'd arrive home, or where I had been the whole day? That's just too much.

It's my first year in college already, I am 16 years old. Before I came here in the city to study in the university I wanted to go to, my family expected that I'd call them, crying, because I can't handle being alone. They would tell my landlady that I don't know anything, and I just sat there, silent.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, and yet I never called them crying that I wanna go home. There is no place like home, yes, but for someone who felt like your every move was being checked, it felt fine to be away for a while, but of course, that feeling of being away from the city and wanting to go back to our province comes out often.

Although being here in the boarding house didn't give me 100% freedom. The landlady knows my family's number and one wrong move, I am dead. 

I've read post about breaking free, about forgetting what people will do, or making your life the way you want it to be. It is inspiring, yes, but sometimes, it's just too hard. There might be some people who has it worse than me, and I can't imagine what they must be feeling right now, and I hope we can get through this...together.

Maybe all I am hoping for right now is strength for me to stand up for myself sometimes. Stand up in a way that I have a point and the people would realize it. Stand up where they're gonna have to agree with me because I am right... And stand up where I'm not being arrogant and disrespectful to the way that they watch over me.

Now all I need is to prove it to them. I have proven that I can live in the city without being in trouble, and all I am hoping for now is for them to allow me to breathe my own air, take the wheel of my own ship and drive it the way I want to, and for them to trust me because I myself know that I can do this, and I hope they'll believe in me, too.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Goodnight.

It's almost 2am and my mind is filled with reasons why I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep ... because when you've said your last "goodnight" for today, I wondered if you'll ever need me for the next couple of hours. What if you couldn't sleep, or have been woken up from a nightmare, and I wouldn't be there to tell you that everything's going to be alright? Tell me what's bothering you at 3am and I will talk to you until you fall asleep. And by then I'll bid you Goodnight. I couldn't sleep ... because when I look at the ceiling, I'd wish that by the time I look beside me, I can see you, and not this pillow missing the warmth of your skin. And maybe by then we wouldn't need to have our phone in our hands, because I would intertwine your fingers with mine, and they'd fit perfectly, almost as if it's meant to be. And we'll look at each other's eyes Not on our phones Because we wouldn't have ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Words vs. Actions

"Actions are better than words" that's what they always say, but honestly, there are still power in words, and sometimes words can beat actions because for me, actions can't really be emphasized without words, actions are there to prove your words. A little while ago, someone told me I'm useless and that stabbed me like a million knives, the funny part is, she asked me to help her on some things a few minutes after that. Does that mean I'm not useless anymore? Well yeah, you can say that some words can be broken like a promise and actions are the ones that doesn't help prove the words said, and that leads me to thinking...Words are as loud as actions. Words can hurt you as much as actions can, and words can make you feel something as much as actions can. So for this battle, words and actions are a tie. In life, we express our feelings through this two things, and that changes something. We communicate through words and express them through actions. B...
Post a Comment
Read more

Some Alone Time

This blog has been mostly about positive outlooks in life and the future, but allow me to give you a little gray cloud on a sunny day. For the past few weeks, my family has been asking me about my depression. They'd ask how can I still not get over my parent's death ( read about it   here ). How can I if that triggered my depression on? I know they're worried, they told me that they give me the things I need... but then I thought... I don't need material things, I just need them to understand. When they inquire me what's really happening inside my nutshell, I'd just look down and tell them that it's not easy to define, and I told them that I'll just express all of it to my psychiatrist. But today, I decided to write all about it. I know that the negativity of this post isn’t decent, but at least hear me out. 3 years ago, a year after my mom died, I understood my father’s constant drinking of alcoholic beverages, and I also understood all his s...
Post a Comment
Read more